Hello, again. Last week was a bit better than the week before. But, I'm not going to lie, two days of that were spent writing a character bio for a role playing game I'm thinking of joining. But, I'm counting it as writing because of how detailed they want it - plus the fact that it somehow ended up in first person, like the character is telling you her own story. I've also almost finished the summaries of the scenes I have written so far. Finishing my rough draft by the end of June may take dedication, but I still think it's doable.
But, as for this week's question, you guys are in for a bit of a treat. This week, rather than answer a question, we're supposed to post an excerpt. I won't discuss how long it took me to decide what to post. My absolute favourite passage is from the climax - and I'd rather not give my ending away ;). So, instead, here's a little something from one of Catie's first times out in publlic after Eli's death. (I'm not giving anything away by that, one of Eli's biggest conflicts in the whole book is knowing that he's going to die, soon.) She's at a birthday party for a friend, and things are rough for her. One of Eli's friends has just told her to come by the recording studio some night for a talk.
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"I'll have to do that. I seem to be acquiring a list of people that I need to talk to, lately."
"Oh?"
"I'm still trying to get up the nerve to go talk to {the priest} about something."
"Afraid of him? Don't be. He's one of the good guys. He was a good friend of Eli's too."
"i'm not afraid of him. I'm afraid of what he might tell me. Adam says that he can tell me if I actually have Eli's ashes. I don't know if I'm hoping that I do, or that I don't. On the one hand, it would mean having the last of his mortal remains, which I do feel somewhat entitled to. On the other... It would make it very final, you know?"
"I can totally understand that. But better to know. What are you going to do if they aren't his ashes?"
"Possibly bust the damn bottle upside Seamus's head. Probably not. That would be suicidal. And I'm not really there. At least not right now." She stopped as she realized that Minnie wasn't the only one watching her. And some of them were downright staring.
William grabbed her arm and dragged her out of the room, closely followed by Laura. "What the fuck was that about? You're not there right now? Meaning you were before, or you could be eventually?"
"Honestly? Both. I was suicidal for a while after my daughter died. I'm not right now. But I'm not going to deny that part of that may simply be because if I were to commit suicide, then Seamus would win. Eli would want me to go on, and I'm trying. but I'm not going to put on a fucking mask and pretend that this is easier than it is. it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm not going to sugar coat it. And honestly, if you're really that worried about me, you should be glad that I'm like this."
"Is that statement supposed to make sense?"
"Acting like this could really be a cry for help. Truly suicidal people don't want help. they just want to die. When Sabrina died... It was planning my own death that made me start acting normal, again. By the time I was ready to actually go get myself killed, everyone thought I was okay. To the point that nobody argued with me when I said I needed to get away for a while. By then, nobody suspected that I had no plans of going back."
"meaning that when ya start actin' normal again is when we need ta start worryin' 'bout ya? Oh that's just great. Are we gonna hafta have ya on suicide watch forever, now?"
"Is there a part of me that wants to just watch a sunrise and be done with it? yes, of course there is. maybe that is hard for you to understand, and maybe it worries you. But a part of me died with him, and I can't change that. I don't know what to tell you, right now. I loved him more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. But 'loved' isn't actually the right word. It shouldn't even be a word at all. There is no past tense to 'love'. It's not something that goes away. And the death of the person you love certainly doesn't make it go away. I still love him. I will always love him. I could still be here when the sun explodes, and I will still love him, and I will still miss him. That's just how it is. Hopefully you two will never have to understand."
"So, what do we do for ya?"
"Don't leave me alone too much. Don't push, but check up on me once in a while. As horrible as I seem, right now, I really am doing about as good as can be expected, right now. I promise that I will get better. It's just going to take time. And I may never be the way I was. How can I be? I lost half of myself a few months. And I'm immortal. It could be millennia before I get him back. That's kind of hard to take."
Laura was pacing. "I don't want to have to put you on a suicide watch. But I don't want to lose you, too. You've gotta give us something."
"I don't know what else you guys want from me. And now I know how Eli felt talking to me before he went to England. I'm not suicidal, right now. I can't make promises about later. But, I've said this before, but it bears repeating. If I die, then Seamus wins. I will not let that bastard get away with this, and I will not give him the satisfaction of getting to watch me die, too. So, as long as Seamus is alive, I'm safe. At least from myself."
"Too bad he wants you dead."
"Yeah, there is that. We are going to have to do something about him, eventually."
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Please ignore the typos, this is still in very rough draft form. It's not my FAVOURITE passage, but I like some of the lines, and I think that watching Catie try to come back after Eli's death is kind of heart-breaking. I hope you guys enjoyed it, at least a little bit. And this has given me the idea that maybe once the first draft is done and in order, I could start posting little mini-excerpts. Not as long as this one, but longer than the old 8 sentence Sunday snippets I was doing before. Hopefully people will find them interesting enough - because otherwise I'm in trouble. ;)
Yes, this is very late. I wrote it several days ago, but then I've been away from the internet for most of the past week. I'll try to get the next one posted tomorrow to catch up.
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